From the Bottom of His Heart

Let us bow our heads in grateful thanks to resident New York Times theologian and Church historian Nicholas Kristof, who selflessly takes the trouble to explicate the myriad faults of the Catholic Church and offer suggestions for her improvement; suggestions that if followed will make her virtually indistinguishable from the Episcopal Church, thus finally allowing Holy Church to share in the brilliant successes that elite and august Protestant body has enjoyed these past thirty years.

Lest you think otherwise, Prof. Kristof does know whence he speaks when it comes to the Catholic Church: you see, he's been around. Consider this brilliant nugget he picked up while globetrotting.

In my travels around the world, I encounter two Catholic Churches. One is the rigid all-male Vatican hierarchy that seems out of touch when it bans condoms even among married couples where one partner is H.I.V.-positive. To me at least, this church — obsessed with dogma and rules and distracted from social justice — is a modern echo of the Pharisees whom Jesus criticized.

(Since the failure rate of condoms is upwards of fifteen percent, is it churlish of me to ask Nicholas Kristof, since he apparently prescribes the Catholic Church do same, if he recommends a person with AIDS go ahead and have sex with loved one who does not, so long as condoms are used? It is churlish? Okay, I withdraw the question.)

No doubt the 27 observant Catholics who still read The New York Times have already fired off telegrams to the Vatican urging the Holy Father to strongly consider the sage counsel from this brilliant and caring soul. It is thus only a matter of time Kristof's cogent and brilliantly thought out reforms will be enacted and all will be well with Holy Mother Church. How does one repay such magnanimity and generosity?

Thanks to William Tighe.